Survivors Guilt: The Precipice of Self Sabotage

When I received the conclusive diagnosis that indeed, I was suffering from was Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia, I was told repeatedly over the next 4 months of treatment, ‘Of all the leukemias to have, this is the one you want to have!’.  I think the intention of such a comment was to make me feel comforted.  However, the mind of a newly diagnosed leukemia patient, fighting for their life is a complex one.  Initially, I didn’t really have any thoughts about this.  I just kind of figured it was what it was.  I couldn’t give my leukemia back and I didn’t get to exchange it for another one anyway soooo, there wasn’t a ton of value in such a statement. However, as the weeks and then months rolled by, it crept into my thoughts often and eventually it hit me; I felt guilty.